Wednesday, May 30, 2007

still raining

It has rained and rained and rained. I kinda like it though. So many people talk about sunshine being cheerful or whatever. But there's something about a cool, dark rainy day. It makes me feel like it's okay to be inside, under a blanket reading a book. Or makes me feel like I should be making a pie. Mmmmm.... pie.

I just have a few more days of my "vacation" time before summer camps start at the art studio. I really love the kids, and feel so lucky to be doing what I am doing. Bit I akso like having time on my own. I like to sleep in, and then lounge about in my PJ's for a while doing little projects around the house. Then maybe I'll get showered and dressed and go to the grpcery store, or Target. I like to cook real dinners and maybe even a dessert. I swear I think I belong in the 40's.

I bought two pair of flip flops today. There. Summer work wardrobe finished. I love my job.

I want a Dr. Pepper bad. Let me think.... it's probably been four years since I had a Dr. Pepper. Mmmmm from a fountain, not a can or bottle. And a Snickers bar. Mmmmmmm....

I should go to bed. But I won't sleep. Seems like I can not go to sleep before 3AM these days. Lots to think about. Lots to worry about. So I have to get tp the point of exhaustion before my mind shuts off. How weird is that? I guess that's not really that weird. So I have a couple of hours to go. I've eaten everything I could find in the kitchen. I caught up on all my photography stuff. I have looked at everything there is to look at on myspace and I have played turbo solitaire so many times I am aware of how pathetic I am. The only thing left now is ebay. And that is dangersous especially late at night. So I think I will shut off this computer and go park myself in front on the TV. I know....

Friday, May 25, 2007

rain, rain

It's hard to have a blog. You have to decide what you want to say, what you want people to know. I thought I would let people know this blog is out there, but then I think maybe I'd like to have a secret spot to tell the universe (and at the same time keep to myself) everything going on inside of me. Who knows. Maybe I'll be brave and let this out one day.

I had a good converstaion with Troy tonight. We talked about deep stuff. Like how people end up the way they end up. I was telling him this thing I saw on Oprah (oh how he hates these converstions.) But this one really intrigued me. Someone said that how you end up is not the product of how you were raised. You end up how you saw your mother treat herself. NOT how she treated you. And it made me think. We talked about my Mom, and we talked about his mom. Interesting.

Troy is scared about starting ECT. I am a bit scared myself. But I swear to the skies above, if this helps, even marginally, we can't take to chance of not doing it. He needs a kind of help that I don't know how to give. And a kind of help I don't know how to find for him. Our marriage will not survive without change, and I fear Troy will not survive without change. So hold on Troy, cause we need to give this a chance.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

ducks in space

So last night we had the whole "fam" over to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. It was a pretty good time. I made homemade pizza and carrot cake. I like having people over to the house. Seems that's the only way it gets a good cleaning. And it always lasts a few days afterward. I tidy up after myself better at least for those first few days.

I got a haircut today. It had been way too long since I had that done. I remember it was right before we took our Christmas card picture. So maybe mid-November. This morning I said it was the longest my hair has been since I was 6. I guess that's not true now. But it's still long. And I probably won't be back for another six months, so it'll be true again soon.

Boring blog today. No insights to share. Maybe tomorrow.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

cheesecake and tide

I like this new blog. I think I'll tell people it exists. Course then I'll be writing it with an audience in mind. But that's cool I guess. I always fancied myslef a bit of an Erma Bombeck, or Molly Ivins. Anyway.

I went to see Troy tonight. He looked pretty good, except for the weird faux hawk hairdo. But he has lots of time on his hands, so if a strange hairstyle is the craziest thing that happens, I'll consider myself lucky. He is anxious to get home. I'm anxious to have him home. I just want him home better is all. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one. I left visiting hours a little early today. There was a new lady there, small woman in her 50's looked like. She was crying the entire time I was there. She cried to the family that had come to visit, and she cried to herself in between visitors. It was that really scared kind of cry. The kind with words mixed with sobs. I tried to respect her and not pay undue attention. But I was sad for her. And Troy stepped out of the room to fetch his dirty laundry for me to take home and it was more than I could take listening to the cries. So when he came back with his dirties, I headed out. And as I passed her I had a strong urge to lean down, put each of my hands on each of her cheeks, look in her eyes, and say, "I know." Cause I know.

I am baking a cheesecake to take to my mother-in-law's for mother's day. I love cheesecake. I don't know what it is that makes it so divine. Probably the fat content. Wish that worked for people. The fatter I'd get, the more people would love me. That sounds fair to me. Kinda settles out society if you ask me.

first blog

So I was just on myspace and thought I might blog there. But somehow myspace doesn't feel safe anymore. I don't know why exactly. Maybe something to do with the ease of finding out what people are doing without them knowing you're snooping. Anyway. I have some friends who have family blogs and I thought I might start one. Maybe someday I'll have interesting goings on to post here. Maybe someday I'll have photos of peanut butter encrusted faces, first days of school, a proud toothless smile, that sort of thing. Today I mowed the lawn. And I am doing laundry. And I ate a childhood favorite: pork and beans with ground beef. I needed comfort food today. I have been alone in this house since Wednesday and it is starting to hit me. At first I felt fine about Troy being in the hospital. He needed to go, it was fine. I just hate the aloneness of it. I am not lonely. I have the dog (he sure never lets you forget he is around) and the cats and friends. And if I wanted someone to be here I could call any number of people who would be happy to keep me company. But it doesn't change the fact that I am alone. I cleaned out the closet some yesterday and had piles of clothes all over the bed. So as I was getting ready to go to sleep I started clearing them off, and then realized there was more than enough room for the piles and me. And it hit me. How alone I am. So I slept with the things I no longer needed. Something poetic there that I can't quite find. Me and all the things I wanted to get rid of laid out together. I think I'll move them today.